Here We Go…Again

So I have started a weight loss journey. Again. This may be my fourth? Fifth? I’ve lost count. I am definitely one of those people who throws myself into it, sees results eventually, and then gets totally derailed and it all comes back. This last time, moving derailed it. Well and laziness, let’s be honest with ourselves, but mostly moving. But I am back on track now. And man does it suck. The most discouraging part is, of course, that I have already done this. I worked my ass off (literally) for about nine months and got down pretty close to my goal size. And now, I am back at square one. And I am definitely one of those people who gets on the scale and gets all discouraged even though I know I can lose the weight. 
So there I am, back at the gym in the mornings. And you know what sucks? Going to the gym. Not the working out part – though that isn’t always what I would call fun – but the physically going and being at the gym. I have social anxiety, and while I am on medication for it, I am still always comparing myself to everyone there and constantly assuming people are making fun of me for something. So actually being in the gym surrounded by people who just jump up and do like thirty pull ups is beyond intimidating. Because there I am, with my five pound weights, desperately trying to do a lateral fly and clearly looking like I want to die. There are some dudes with HUGE arms at the gym I go to. And sometimes I just stare at their workouts – bicep curls with eighty pounds, fifteen pull ups, stacking two boxes on top of each other and leaping up onto them as though it were no big deal. Do I want to do that? Oh, heck no. But I would like to be able to do more than ten reps before whimpering. 
I’ve got my goals and they are realistic. My time frame, however, eh…not so much. I always go to the gym for three days and then get on the scale and go, “why am I not down thirty pounds already?!” Okay, maybe not quite that insane of thinking, but I am very tough on myself and I know others out there are the same. One of my personal goals has been to give myself a more realistic time frame to see results. And to hold myself accountable. I can’t work out for 45 mins and then sit on the couch eating an entire bag of trail mix and then wonder why I am not seeing results. That is a no no. 
Most of us are our own worst enemies, whether in thoughts or actions. It is a difficult cycle to break, and trust me I know. I have been fighting against myself for many years now. Alternating between “wow, I really suck” and “Shut up, you are amazing and the world is better off for having you.” I think the secret is to find that balance that gets you motivated, without putting yourself down. Which is very difficult. I once created an inspiration board of positive and motivating quotes only, no thin people pictures. The idea isn’t that I want to be thin, but that I want to be healthy. Or so I say. When in the back of my head is that little voice saying, “be thin.” I want to silence that voice. I don’t want to feel that in order to love myself when I look in the mirror I have to be thin. But I feel that way. And I am sure many of us do. For me, I have had the training and I know it isn’t at a point when I need to see a therapist about it, but there are those out there who do and I truly hope you find someone to talk to about it. One thing I have managed to improve over the years, however, that I am very proud of is that I may want to be thin. And I may feel I look better when I am thin. But I am still beautiful at any weight. 
So for those of you like me out at the gym, huffing and puffing and wanting to die on Satan’s Fun Wheel (aka the Stairmill) know that you are not alone. And that slowly but surely we can get there. It is about changing all aspects of our lives. It is a permanent lifestyle change and not just something that needs to get done. Seeing it as getting healthy. And I better stop procrastinating and go get in my five mile run today. After all, there is a treadmill in my corner of the sky. 


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